American (In)Directness

Here’s a question for female readers. You go to a beauty salon and get your hair cut in a new style. Next day at work or in class somebody asks you, “Did you cut your hair?” Which of the following is NOT a legitimate interpretation of that utterance:

 (a)  They aren’t sure if I cut my hair.

 (b)  They like my haircut.

 (c)  They don’t like my haircut.

The correct answer in a mainstream American context is (b).  

Unless the person follows up the question with a compliment—“It looks cute/sophisticated/great/stunning”— what probably happened is that she noticed your new look, thought it unattractive, but opened her mouth before she could stop herself. Anytime anybody does the “Did you get your hair cut” thing with you, you know the truth: it looks butt ugly. (If the person is your mother, of course, she will go ahead and blurt out what she really thinks, as my patient daughters can testify.)

I’m not certain what the correct answer in a Ugandan context is, but I’m guessing it’s (c). If they didn’t like your haircut, they would have told you.

This is interesting to me, partly because we Americans have an image of ourselves as straight talkers. In my experience this is true in many areas of life, but on issues of personal weakness or failures, we don’t talk straight at all. In contrast, it’s difficult for many Americans even to tell a friend  that they have concerns about the quality of guy/girl s/he is dating. Except in extreme cases one doesn’t criticize a friend’s romance until it is over. Then one can say, “That jerk didn’t deserve you.” One of my Ugandan colleagues said to me the other day, “I can never tell what Americans are thinking. They are so indirect.”

Ugandans don’t mind telling it like it is about personal topics. American exchange students here are frequently shocked when their Ugandan roommates tell them, “That dress isn’t flattering; why don’t you choose a different one?” or “Your acne looks bad today, better put on more make-up.” Or “Looks like you’ve gained weight.” The other day I was trying to explain to someone which msungu [white person] I was talking about and he said, as realization dawned on him, "Oh, the fat one." (Actually, that was probably a compliment. The ideal women’s body size is different here than in the States.)

Here’s a slightly different example. I asked a masters student here how she compared the teaching style of visiting Norwegian professors with that of Ugandan professors. She said she found the Norwegian instructors were always very careful to be gentle when correcting students, but if a student made a mistake, Ugandan professors told them so flat out, in front of the class.

How do you explain this difference? Do Americans (and Norwegians) just have incredibly fragile egos? Are Ugandans just interpersonally insensitive? I think it may relate to our societal perspectives on community.  Most Ugandan cultures are deeply communal, and one of the things about community is that the in-group takes care of its own. So if you see a member of your ingroup making an embarrassing mistake, of course you need to warn them. Because that person knows they are unconditionally accepted in the larger group, it doesn't trouble your relationship. (Proviso: In my observation this is not relevant in east African societies for interactions with more powerful individuals. In those situations Ugandans would be less direct than Americans.)

A paramount value of mainstream American culture, however, is individualism. We should be able to be different, define ourselves, reject the status quo. Because we don’t have the security of deriving a great deal of our sense of self from membership in the group, we have to be careful not to threaten one another’s choices. Individualism has its benefits, but at times I have wished I could honestly tell a friend I cared about, “You know what, your old hair style looked much better on you.” One just has to hope they will look in the mirror and figure it out on their own.